Trauma and the Anger of the Loss of Time

I remember the ah-ha moment very clearly. I was at the gym, working out. I told my friend that I don’t think I’ve ever been this strong, not even in my 20’s. And my friend jokingly told me that I’m in my second prime.

That really stuck with me. And I think about this interaction very often.

For a lot of my therapy clients, they feel like they have lost so much time to trauma. They feel sad and resentful of the time and experiences they have lost. And they feel angry for the pains of trauma they had endured.

And you know what? All these feelings are legit. It does suck.

The truth is, healing from trauma often involves a grieving process. If you’ve experienced some of this, you’re totally not alone.

So how do we take care of the part of ourselves that is grieving for lost time and lost experiences?

1. Giving Ourselves Permission to Grieve

First, validate this part of you. Don’t ignore those feelings of sadness or resentment. Let yourself acknowledge, “This is painful, and it’s okay to grieve what I missed out on.” Give yourself permission to feel what you feel.

When you do this, you are showing compassion and understanding to yourself. Often times, part of our trauma is due to the lack of compassion and understanding from the people around us. Instead of judging ourselves for how we feel, we want to re-parent ourselves with compassion and understanding. This moves onto our next point.

2. Helping the Inner Child Heal

The compassion and understanding we give ourselves is part of the process of healing our Inner child. To take it further, we can offer it symbolic gestures of care, to show our Inner Child that they matter.

To do this, check-in with your Inner Child, and ask them what they really want at this particular moment. Some examples include:

• Getting cake for your Inner Child because they really want it.

• Buying a small, inexpensive gift for yourself. This can be as small as an anime sticker or a small ornament for your home.

• Creating intentional time to engage in activities that bring you joy. This might be art, sports, watching shows, reading time, naps, blanket fort, building snowman, decorating your home with monthly themes, etc.

When you do these things, it is important to mentally set your intention. You are doing it to care for your Inner Child, and allowing them to safely enjoy the moment. By doing this, we communicate to our Inner Child that what they want matters.

By doing this regularly, we are practicing our agency on creating the experiences that we want in our life. This sense of agency can counteract the sadness and resentment of missing out on things in our past. This creates feelings of empowerment, which heal us heal from the traumas of powerlessness. It also helps us focus on the present, and focus our energy on creating intentional experiences for ourselves.

3. Embracing Your Second Prime

Honestly, I don’t think my second prime will ever end. I feel that I never stop learning about myself, because I am constantly changing and shifting as a person. And as such, I am constantly getting better at being myself.

Part of healing from trauma is gaining intimate knowledge of ourselves. We build the skill of radical honesty. And through this, we truly embrace and pursue the life that we want.

Of course, we’ll have setbacks. Situations may come up where we get triggered, or get stuck with certain emotions. But our skill of radical honesty, and our abilities to be self-aware, will always be with us. And our abilities to constantly learn more about ourselves and pivot in our life and decision-making is what defines my “prime" – the project of continuously getting better at being myself.

Your second prime starts when you decide it starts. And it only ends when you decide it ends.

Hey there, my name is Harry, and I’m an Asian therapist here to support your search for health and authenticity. If you are open to weekly self-care FUN-ctivities, subscribe to my “Happy Chemicals Club.” If you enjoy podcasts, you can check these out.

Harry Au

Therapy for Asians

MSW, RSW | he/him

HarryAuTherapy.com

I help Asians go from feeling trapped to becoming self-liberated.