Overcoming Trauma and Learned Helplessness

Maybe you’re like me. For most of my life, I never threw birthday parties. I thought I was above it. The whole idea was embarrassing to me. I’m making a day that’s all about me, all because I was…born?

There are a few reasons for the embarrassment. First off, I want to have this “cool guy” persona. If I’m this cool masculine dude, then I am above caring over a stupid random day.

Second, the Chinese virtue of “humility” has been taught to me from the day I was born. But as we all know, Asians are the champs of humble-bragging…because as humans, we have an innate need for self-worth.

But back to the birthday party…I haven’t done anything for my birthday for over a decade. Then came 2024, and I threw four birthday parties over a span of four months. And this is what I learned from it.

Self-Determination Takes Practice: “I have control over my own experiences.”

For people who have experienced trauma (myself included), there is a deep part of us that feels helpless and powerless. And for a lot of us, we experience what we called “learned helpless.”

Our experience with childhood trauma has ingrained in us a sense of ineffectiveness. As a child, we don’t have the power to escape or stop the mistreatment that we experience from our parents/family…whether it be physical or emotional abuse, or persistent criticism. Through these experiences of ineffectiveness, we slowly learn that we are helpless to these mistreatments...hence the term, learned helplessness.

The learned helplessness follows us into adulthood. Sometimes, we don’t actively make decisions to create our own experiences, because we’re simply not used to activating our own agency and self-determination.

And throwing birthday parties was a simple way for me to practice my use of agency. Like anything we do, we need practice. The first time someone teaches you how to shoot a basketball, you’re going to be really bad at it. Your mind will be bogged down with proper technique. And your body won’t know what to do with itself. But after 1,000 practice shots, your mind isn’t even thinking of the technique. Because your body remembers the movement. It becomes second nature to you.

This is the same with practicing your agency. Your mind will be bogged down with thoughts and emotions. What if no one shows up for my party? Are people judging me? How do I even organize party?

Obviously, throwing a party is much lower stakes than, say, setting boundaries with your parents. But that’s the point. You want to start small. We want to first build our sense of agency with the easy things. As our sense of agency grows, it’ll help prepare us to tackle tougher decisions…like filing an official complaint with your work union against your manager’s ongoing mistreatment.

Showing Ourselves That We Matter

Throwing birthday parties might seem trivial. But for many of us, it can be an act of reclaiming our agency. You’re telling yourself that you matter, and you deserve to have moments to celebration. Also, you're proactively creating an enjoyable experience for yourself.

These seemingly small decisions build the foundation for larger, more complex choices in life. Whether it is setting boundaries or advocating for yourself, each step strengthens your capacity for self-determination.

So go throw yourself a party. Or four.

To practice self-determination, here are some guiding questions to ask yourself:

• If I can do anything today, what do I want to do?

• What emotion do I want to be feeling?

• What activity can bring me that feeling?

• Do I want to do it myself, or with other people?

• Who are the people I want to be around?

Hey there, my name is Harry, and I’m an Asian therapist here to support your search for health and authenticity. If you are open to weekly self-care FUN-ctivities, subscribe to my “Happy Chemicals Club.” If you enjoy podcasts, you can check these out.

Harry Au

Therapy for Asians

MSW, RSW | he/him

HarryAuTherapy.com

I help Asians go from feeling trapped to becoming self-liberated.