Rest is Hard But Essential for Mental Health

Saturday afternoon…I was pacing. Literally, just pacing in my small Toronto apartment. From my couch, to my desk, to my kitchen…what the heck am I doing?

I don’t usually make plans on Saturdays. It’s by design. I want to use that day to just rest and do nothing. And that Saturday, I was having a really hard time with it. I felt so restless, feeling like I needed to do something productive. My body and mind just won’t let me sit down to read or watch a movie or sip hot coco.

So I pace. And my mind is racing, wondering…should I go out to run some errands? Go to a coffee shop and journal? I was literally looking for reasons for me to leave my house.

Have you ever felt like this? When you have down time, it’s almost like you don’t know what to do with yourself. It’s almost like we don’t know how to rest.

Why We Suck At Resting

A lot of my therapy clients experience this. Coming from Asian immigrant families, our parents really emphasized on our achievements. Our test scores, report cards, piano proficiency…our worth is literally expressed through a number by an authority figure.

I don’t think it’s a bad thing for our parents to want us to succeed. But if the only positive attention we receive is related to our achievements, it inadvertently teaches us that our self-worth is based on our achievements.

And it’s dehumanizing, our worth being represented by a number in our report card or our piano proficiency level. Or being compared to our cousins.

So what happens when we grow into adults? We no longer have test scores to measure our success. And that creates a constant, nagging anxiety. Cause how else do we know if we’re succeeding? And how do we convey to others that we are worthy, if we can't just tell them we got a 90% on our test? So we keep trying to do more and more, hoping that would fix the anxiety that we feel.

And it doesn’t help that capitalism and the Model Minority Myth also defines our worth by what we can produce. Even self-improvement's approach to rest often focuses on resting to make you more productive. Rest, so you can be more effective, and produce higher quality work.

So it’s no wonder we suck at resting. There's always the undercurrent stress of having to produce more outcome. And we have linked our production to our worth as a person.

But your worth as a person IS NOT defined by a number, nor by your production value. And it’s time we uncouple the two things. Let’s learn to truly rest and care for our well-being.

Why We Won’t Let Ourselves Rest

When I first committed myself to resting, I was sooo bad at it. It felt so uncomfortable and foreign. Here’s a few reasons why it might be so difficult:

1. If our self-worth is tied to our productivity, then resting is of zero worth because it doesn’t produce anything. Rationally, we all understand that we need rest to be able to do anything. But this doesn’t stop the entrenched Hustle&Grind part of me from blowing the anxiety gasket when I give myself “down time.”

2. Resting and free time gives time for our emotions to surface. For a lot of us, this is deeply uncomfortable. Nobody enjoys feeling lonely or angry or sad. These emotions are especially intense and frequent if we have unhealed traumas. So we keep ourselves busy, as a way to distract from and avoid these emotions. This will be a topic for a future blog.

We Need to Practice How to Rest

After more than four years of practicing how to rest, here are some lessons I’ve learned:

1. Work can sometimes be disguised as rest

Sometimes, we trick ourselves into thinking we’re resting when we’re actually working. Like when you go to a coffee shop to relax but end up reading a self-improvement book. If your rest is tied to production within a capitalist sense, you’re most likely not resting.

2. If “getting rest” becomes your goal, it can end up becoming work

We don’t want to make “rest” become the new goal to achieve. Instead, engage rest through your emotions and body.

Ask yourself: “How is my body and mind feeling, and what kind of rest does it need?” It might be to simply close your eyes…or do some stretches…or even just focus on your breathing.

Since I classify “play” as a type of rest, you can also ask yourself, “What is an activity that I really want to do right now?” It might be reading, watching a comedic movie, or doing a jigsaw puzzle.

But it can be tricky. For example, is completing a jigsaw puzzle considered rest? You may start off really soothing. But it might morph into a low-level anxiety activity, because you feel the need to complete it. So really check-in with yourself. If an activity brings your anxiety, do something else.

3. Be Patient with Yourself

It takes a long time to unlearn the Hustle&Grind mentality. And we relapse. It’s totally normal. If the Hustle&Grind part of you takes over, try to reset your mindset by reminding yourself that this our time to rest.

And if you can’t, just let the Hustle&Grind part do its thing. Self-compassion is about accepting where you are at different moments in life. Life is a marathon. Go with the flow. We'll do the resting when it comes easier for us.

Practical Tips for Rest

Here are some simple, actionable ways to practice rest:

• Set a Clear Intention: Before you start your rest, remind yourself that you're not here to achieve anything. You're simply going to spend the time to listen to your mind and body, and do what feels good.

• Schedule Unstructured Time: Set aside time where you do whatever your mind and body feel like—whether that’s watching a movie, going to a coffee shop, or taking a nap. Don't be tempted to schedule a task during this time!

• Be Kind to Yourself: If you can’t follow through with your unstructured time, don’t judge yourself. Putting pressure on yourself turns rest into another stress-inducing goal. Just go with the flow. You can try again next time.

• Be Flexible: If during mid-rest, you realize you want to do something else, then give yourself permission to switch. Prioritize what feels right for you.
  

• Start Small: Don’t try to schedule a half hour every day or an entire Saturday for rest right away. Start with 10-15 minute breaks a couple of days a week.

• Learn from Rest Experts: Find friends who are good at rest and play. My partner has taught me so much about rest.

Hopefully this blog offered some new insights in thinking about rest. Give yourself a pat on the pack for reading the entire thing, and go get some rest.

Hey there, my name is Harry, and I’m an Asian therapist here to support your search for health and authenticity. If you are open to weekly self-care FUN-ctivities, subscribe to my “Happy Chemicals Club.” If you enjoy podcasts, you can check these out.

Harry Au

Therapy for Asians

MSW, RSW | he/him

HarryAuTherapy.com

I help Asians go from feeling trapped to becoming self-liberated.